Is It ADHD, Autism, or Narcissistic Personality Disorder?
As I work with clients who have romantic partners on the autism spectrum, who have been diagnosed with ADHD, or who meet criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder, I notice the many relational dynamics that can appear similar (but are very different under the surface) and potentially result in misdiagnosis and misunderstanding. So I want to take an opportunity to tease the three apart here.
Stage 1 of the Relationship
ADHD: Hyper-Fixation
ADHD is characterized by low levels of dopamine, which is linked to our reward and motivation system. In the beginning stages of the relationship, your ADHD partner’s dopamine is fixated on you. In their mind, you are their reward, their motivation. This hyper-fixation makes their partners feel so special! You will be swept off your feet, and your friends will be jealous of the way you are being romanced. Your ADHD partner will often be highly creative and spontaneous in the ways they romance you, and you will feel like you are in a movie or a dream at times.
Autism: Special Interest
If you fall in love with someone on the autism spectrum, at the beginning of the relationship they will seek to understand everything about you. They will memorize your likes, your dislikes, your strengths, and your weaknesses. They will find out what you enjoy and then research it so they can discuss it with you. Just being with you raises their serotonin and dopamine levels, and it feels so good! For this window of time, you are their special interest—above and beyond any of their other interests. You may find yourself thinking, “I’ve finally found someone who ____!” They will figure out whatever “holes you need filled” in your life and make sure they fill them. And they will get great joy out of being successful at forming an intimate relationship with you.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder: Love-Bombing
When someone with narcissistic personality disorder pursues you, they will also research as much as they can about you. You may find that they are suddenly interested in all the same things you are interested in. You will “randomly” find them at more parties that you “happen” to be at. You may “just happen” to see them where you grocery shop or where you hang out with friends. They will find out what you like, and do it. They will find out the kind of person you like, and become that kind of person. You will feel like you are on Cloud 9…like you have finally found “your person.”
Stage 2 of the Relationship
ADHD: Forgetting
This stage can be incredibly painful for the non-ADHD partner. You will start feeling ignored and neglected. The ADHD partner will suddenly start forgetting to do all the little thoughtful things they did at first. The spontaneity and creativity will be directed toward other pursuits; you are no longer their main dopamine rush. You as the non-ADHD partner might feel abandoned and even wonder if your ADHD partner still loves you, or if it was all a “show” or an “act” just to “get” you. This stage is completely unintentional on the part of the ADHD partner. They are not trying to ignore or neglect you. What was happening at the beginning was the result of a fixation in the brain that is simply no longer there; it was never going to be sustainable, and it was never going to be the long-term state of things. However, you as the non-ADHD partner can be left feeling like it was a bait-and-switch.
Autism: Unmasking
At this stage in the relationship, the autistic partner has probably moved on to a different special interest—taking the neurotypical partner’s place. Like the non-ADHD partner, you may also feel neglected, ignored, and like you’ve been the victim of a “bait-and-switch.” In reality, the autistic partner now feels comfortable enough around you that they’re beginning to unmask—meaning that they feel safe enough in the relationship to turn back toward other interests in their lives, withdraw when they feel the need to recharge, and trust that you will still be there and still love them for who they are anyway. However, you as the neurotypical partner may feel like you don’t yet know who the autistic partner is, and that the partner you thought you were getting into a relationship with is someone different entirely.
This stage can be very painful as the autistic partner can feel like who they really are isn’t enough, and you, the neurotypical partner, can feel like you’ve been deceived, that you entered this relationship under false pretenses. But if you can weather the unmasking phase and the hurt feelings that understandably accompany it, you may find an incredible empathic richness under the surface in your partner. They may not have much “cognitive empathy,” meaning they may not always be your verbally processing sounding board, but you may find that they have incredible “affective empathy”—feeling and resonating with you on a deeper level than most people you’ve probably known.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder: Devaluing
If your partner has narcissistic personality disorder, at this stage you will notice that things you said or did that used to seem endearing to your partner now get critical, dismissive responses. There will be subtle (or not-so-subtle) putdowns directed at your competence or ability to see reality clearly. You may begin feeling like a burden rather than a delight, and you may find yourself apologizing a lot and trying to be on your best behavior or “perform” to somehow get them to behave the way they did at the beginning of the relationship.
You may tell yourself this is just a stage, and if you can somehow be pleasing enough like you were at the beginning, perhaps things will return to the way they were at first, during the love-bombing stage. You may feel confused much of the time and start to wonder if you’re going crazy, because you do the exact same things you did at the beginning and get very different responses; it’s almost like you’re in a relationship with a totally different person. You might find yourself protesting this devaluing behavior, but you won’t be able to make them see your side of things because they literally can’t. Someone who meets criteria for narcissistic personality disorder may have cognitive empathy—intellectually understanding that you’re sad, hurt, etc.—but they lack affective empathy, meaning they cannot feel your pain. In fact, they may even leverage your pain to gain more power and control in the relationship.
Stage 3 of the Relationship
ADHD: Adjusting (or Combusting)
At this stage of the relationship, you’ve realized your partner has ADHD, and that this isn’t just an abstract concept; it’s something that affects them 24/7 and therefore affects you in a major way. It’s not going to just go away. So how do you respond? If you’re in a relationship with someone who has ADHD, odds are you’re naturally incredibly organized. At first, it seemed like your strengths complemented your partner’s very well, like you were a perfect fit for each other. But overusing this strength can lead to resentment. Your partner may naturally forget, they may get naturally distracted, but if you find yourself taking a “parent-to-child” role, that is a sign of big trouble for your relationship. Honestly ask yourself: Can you find a way to use your strengths in the relationship without taking on a parent-to-child role? What do you need in a relationship, and is your partner willing and able to provide that? Are you able to untangle “their stuff” from “your stuff” and take responsibility for your moves in the dance? Is your partner willing to do their part by going to therapy, taking a small dose of medication, or finding other tools to minimize the impact of their ADHD on you?
Autism: Making Room (or Shutting Out)
It can be tempting in this stage to get furious and frustrated; you would never say you want your partner to “put their mask back on,” but the truth is that their unmasking has been extremely uncomfortable and possibly even hurtful for you. They may not have meant to deceive you, but that’s sure how you feel. You thought you were getting one thing, and now it’s different. It’s difficult to feel at a heart level that this stage is a sign of increased intimacy and trust on their end when you feel less intimate on your end.
At this point, you can choose to set up systems that set you both up for success. This might mean agreeing in advance to not talk for 30 minutes when you get home from work, to give them time to decompress and to avoid hurt on your end when your cheerful “How was your day?” question gets met with irritability. It might mean shoring up your outside friendships when you need to vent or externally process, and understanding that your partner may not always be the best person for that. It might mean prioritizing nonverbal affection, like a hug or snuggling under blankets. And at the end of the day, you have to ask yourself how much you are willing to adjust on your end to help this relationship work. Is your heart able to accept not being their “special interest,” and are you able to receive this as an actual compliment and sign of deeper intimacy—or not?
Narcissistic Personality Disorder: Discarding
If your partner has narcissistic personality disorder, by this time in the relationship you are likely pretty miserable—even though things may still look good on the outside. By now, your partner has established a pattern of disrespecting you, not considering your needs, and causing you to question your own reality and even sanity. At this point, they will either emotionally “discard you” by staying in the relationship even though they’re not only emotionally neglectful but even emotionally abusive, or they will actually “discard you” by breaking up with you. They might claim to still care for you while their actions show otherwise, or they may outright break up with you; it depends if they still see you as a source of “narcissistic supply” or not.
If, after all the disrespectful treatment, you’re still doing well at school, performing well at work, have an active social life, or whatever it is that made you attractive to them in the first place, they may be willing to pay lip service to being in the relationship as long as you still make them look good—but odds are you will feel dried out and used up on the inside. If, as often happens, you find you’re withdrawing from social life, not doing as well in school or work, and struggling in areas you used to be successful in, your partner might break up with you because you are no longer useful to them.
Clearing Up the Confusion
ADHD, autism, and narcissistic personality disorder can look surprisingly similar from the outside, especially in the early stages of a relationship. But the deeper motivations, needs, and emotional capacities underneath these behaviors could not be more different. ADHD and autism each come with neurobiological patterns that shape connection in ways that can be confusing or even painful if you don’t know what you’re looking at. And while those patterns can absolutely be worked with, understood, and accommodated in healthy, mutually respectful relationships, the cycle of narcissistic personality disorder functions very differently. It isn’t about miscommunication or sensory needs or executive functioning challenges; it’s about an inability to truly see, feel, or honor another person’s emotional experience.
If you’re trying to make sense of a relationship that has left you exhausted, bewildered, or questioning your own reality, clarity matters. Understanding what’s driving the behavior—not just what the behavior looks like—can help you discern whether what you’re experiencing is a potentially workable neurodivergent dynamic or a fundamentally unsafe relational pattern. My hope is that this breakdown helps you approach your own situation with more insight, more compassion for yourself, and more confidence in naming what is healthy and what is harmful. Ultimately, you deserve a relationship that makes room for both partners’ needs—and one where love, respect, and emotional safety are not negotiable.
