The Intimacy Ladder: A Tool to Build Healthy Relationships

I first learned about the concept of an “Intimacy Ladder” from Lauren and Jason Vallotton. I used their Intimacy Ladder as a starting point for my own Intimacy Ladder below.

The “Intimacy Ladder” provides “rungs” in the form of questions to help you build a solid, trusting, healthy relationship with your partner. The idea is that you don’t move on to the next rung until the questions in the previous rung have been satisfactorily answered.

If your level of commitment ever exceeds your level of trust, you invite insecurity into the relationship. In order for intimacy to be present, there must be both trust and commitment. Each rung represents an ever deepening level of both trust and commitment.

When you start feeling insecure in the relationship, ask, “What question on the ladder is going unanswered? Have we moved faster in our level of commitment than our level of trust? Have we skipped a rung somewhere?” 

This ladder (especially the first 7 steps) can also be adapted to friendships!

Step 1: Do I Know Me?

• Do I need someone else to accept/love/be okay with me in order to do the same for myself?

• Can I stay consistent with my convictions, no matter what the other person chooses?

• Can I face rejection and still love myself?

• Do I have a good sense of my own strengths and weaknesses?

Step 2: Are They Safe?

• Do they clearly communicate their needs and boundaries?

• Do they honor my needs and boundaries when I communicate them?

• Do they do what they say they will do?

Step 3: Can We Have Fun Together?

• Can I be me?

• Do I genuinely like them?

Step 4: Is God in the God Spot?

• Is God their source (of identity, purpose, direction, comfort, protection, unconditional love, etc.), or are they relying on me for any of these things? What about me? Is God my source?

• Does anything in their life consistently hold more sway on their decisions and lifestyle than God does?

Step 5: Do We Communicate Well?

• Do we avoid conflict, or are we comfortable reasoning things out together?

• When we disagree, do we still honor each other? 

• Do we both feel heard? Do we take turns talking and genuinely respond to what the other person said?

• Can they remain calm and stable when I’m upset?

Step 6: Do They Demonstrate Unconditional Love?

• Do they understand, and respond to, my priorities, personality, and love language?

• Do they still love me when I fail?

• Does any part of our relationship feel transactional or tit-for-tat?

• What’s the biggest mistake they can handle?

Step 7: Do They Look for the Win-Win?

• Do they always have my best interest in mind?

• Do we look for the win-win, or do we settle for “compromises” that are actually either lose-lose or win-lose?

Step 8: Are We Going the Same Direction?

• Do we have the same kinds of priorities when making decisions?

• Do our visions of “the good life” generally line up? Lifestyle, location, family life, etc. 

Step 9: Can We Build Stability?

• Do they have a good work ethic?

• Can they keep a job?

• Are they good with finances?

• Do they build a life that’s sustainable? Or are they constantly burned out?

Step 10: Do I Feel That Forever Isn’t Long Enough?

• Do our dreams feel even bigger in marriage?

• Is what we’re building together even stronger than what we could build apart?